The Failcenaries
by Grusnoid
Summary: Abandon all hope, ye who enter this parody. From the seventh level of Hell. A.K.A. Wisconsin Comes a parody so horrible, even the MST3K cast, thought it too cruel. Prepare yourself, and don't say I didn't warn you. Rated M for coarse language.
1. Chapter 1 The Failot

The Failcenaries.

Disclaimer: The following is a fan based work of fiction. I in no way, shape, or form own Resident Evil. Resident Evil is the property of Capcom and Shinji Mikami. Please support the official release. I also do not own any of the other copyrighted material that appears in this story. All copyrighted material are the property of their respected owners.

A/N: Well I'm going to try my hand at comedy. Parodies to be exact.

Chris: God help us all! It's a sign of the apocalypse!

Me: Would you shut the fuck up Chris. No one asked for your two cents.

Leon: But you're comedy is stale, and unfunny. Just like Carlos Mencia.

Me: Oh! So now you're the comedy master, huh Leon? You think you're George fucking Carlin, don't ya?!

Leon: I nev...

Me: Don't Ya?!

Leon: Yeah. I think I'm George fucking Carlin. (says in defeated tone)

Me: That's what I thought. Does anyone else feel like holding this up?! Anyone at all?!

Everyone else: No.

Me: Good. Lets get this cluster fuck going then. Enjoy everyone. (Cheery tone.) Oh. Hunk wanted me to tell you, that Italics means internal monologue. If you ask what it means. He said that he will kill you, in your sleep. Yet again enjoy!

Chapter One. The Failot.

Spanish Village. October 3rd 2009 10:00 A.M.

"Star date. Uhhhhh."

"Oh for god sake. It's October third! October third, you blond haired moron!"

"Thank you Ada. October third. I have narrowly escaped, the roving hoard of fangirls. That have mistaken me for a cat, yet again. That happens more often, then you think. I mean. I am a sex god! But even I have my limits. Ada why aren't you taking this down? How will future generations know of my daring escape, from the hoards of fangirls?"

"Oh for fuck sake, fine! I'll take down your stupid memoirs." Ada said as she pulled out a laptop, and pulled up a word processor.

"Now where was I? Ah yes. The roving hoards of fangirls. It was a daring escape. The fangirls had me cornered, but I used my amazing wit, and charm. They never knew what hit them. Their hearts stopped long enough, for me to make a b line straight for this Spanish village." Albert said as he looked over the village.

"Boo! I'm a ghost. OHhhhh! Yehhhhaahaaha!!!!!"

"Jack you're not a ghost. Even though you should be. I thought I killed you."

"I got better."

"Why me?! Satan come up out of the ground, and take me now." Ada said as she looked at the ground, and motioned for Satan to rise out of the ground.

"Hi guys. What's up?" Hunk asked as he walked up to the group.

"Ah, Hunk. What brings you to the village?"

"Same as you Albert. Roving hoards of fangirls."

"How did you escape?"

"Well...."

_Flashback._

Hunk walked down the street, and saw a group of fangirls. There were four of them. One was 5'6. She had brown hair, that was just above the shoulders. It was cut in a bob, with layers, and bangs. That started from a part, on the far left side of her head, and slants to the right. Her eyes were blue, and her body type was slim. She was wearing a pair of cargo pants, and a plain brown t-shirt. She was wearing a army camouflage vest, that had an assortment of pockets. She was also wearing a pair of white tennis shoes. The next one was 5'8. She had straight black hair, that was just below her shoulders. Her body type was slim as well. She was wearing a pair of, what could only be described, as Wesker inspired sun glasses. She was wearing a Canadian tuxedo, (Jean jacket, and a pair of blue jeans.) with a black, Metallica, And Justice For All t-shirt. She was also wearing a pair of black biker boots. The third one, Stood at 5'8. Her hair was Dark brown, and of medium length, that passed shoulders just by a few inches. It was wavy, and curled just at the bottom. Her body type was curvy, and she wore a tank top, with a pair of hip huger jeans. She wore a pair of black Converse sneakers. The last one was 5'7. She had a curvy figure. Her hair was black, long, and layered, with bangs that swoop to the side. Her eye color was dark brown. She wore a form fitting white t-shirt, a flannel green and black button up, long t-shirt, a pair of ratty skinny jeans, and a pair of black skate shoes.

"Oh my god! It's Hunk!!!! Squeee!!!" The girl wearing the tank top shouted.

The girl in the flannel shirt, walked up. "Who cares Aeris? I want that sexy, blond haired god Wesker."

"You don't have to be so mean Prisoner. I was just saying." Aeris said in a hurt tone.

The girl wearing the vest walked up. "Well maybe he knows were Wesker, and the others are."

The girl in the Canadian tuxedo, walked over to the girl with the vest. "Good point Weasilgirl. Let's see what he knows."

"Thanks Resi." Weasilgirl said with a huge smile.

The fangirls looked at Hunk. They noticed that he was frozen solid. Resi waved her hand in front of his mask, to see if he would do anything. Hunk just stood their, he was thinking to himself.

_'Oh no! Fangirls! If I don't escape. Then they'll capture me, tie me to a chair, and force me to listen to their horribly written fan fictions. And all the inappropriate parings that accompany them. Come on Hunk, think! Think! I got it!'_

"Look over there! It's Chris Redfield, making out with Albert Wesker!" Hunk shouted as he poited to a random spot.

All the fangirls looked to where Hunk pointed. By the time they looked back, a dust outline of Hunk was all that remained.

"After him girls!!!!" Resi shouted and pointed toward Hunk.

_'I gotta keep running! A village, perfect! I can hide there!'_

"Awww! We lost him."

"Now how will we find Albert?"

"Don't worry girls, we'll find him, and Albert!" Weaiselgirl said

"Yeah!" the other fangirls said in unison.

_Back to the present._

"And that's what happened."

"Wait. Why would I make out with Redfield? I despise Redfield!" Albert said as he shook his fist. Lightning struck, rain poured, and thunder clapped as he did.

"Thank you for the effects Ernie."

"Eh. I'll just put it on your tab Albert." Ernie the effects man said as he left the village.

"Well their fangirls. It's a well known fact, that fangirls ruin everything." Hunk said.

"Well I can't argue with that logic. Ada. You're a woman. What do you know about fangirls?" Albert asked.

"Nothing really. Other than their irrational, unstable, and highly annoying."

"That's common Knowledge. I want you to infiltrate their ranks Ada."

"What! Why me?!"

"Well you're the only one, who won't get ripped to shreads by the fangirs. Like this poor fellow who is running up now."

"The fangirls are coming! The fangirls are coming!" Leon shouted as he ran past the group.

"Was that Leon? What the hell happened to him? All he had on was his pants." Ada said as she watched Leon continue to run.

"It's Weskie, Hunk, And Jack! We hit the jackpot girls!" Aeris shouted, as she called the other fangirls.

"Ruuunnn!!!" Jack said as he ran like hell.

The group followed Jack, and ran as fast as they could.

They caught up to Leon. Who yanked them behind a building.

"Shhh." Leon said as he checked for the fangirls.

The fangirls had completely ran past the group.

"Thank god. They tried to attack me. I managed to get away. Somehow. So many hands. So many hands!" Leon said as he sat against the wall, and shook.

"Pull yourself together damn it!" Jack said as he picked Leon up, and slapped him across the face.

"Arn't you supposed to be dead? I thought I killed you."

"I got better. This village isn't safe anymore. We need to hide somewhere, until the fangirls forget about us. Or at least give up looking for us." Jack said as he looked around.

"How about that building?" Ada asked, as she pointed to a house.

"Okay that will work. Let's go."

The group managed to slip past the fangirls, and enter the house.

"I want you to comb every building! Leave no stone unturned!" Resi said, as she helped search in buildings.

"This isn't good. We need a distraction." Jack said as he looked around.

"I know. I'll do what I did before." Albert said as he stood up.

"Oh no. Not again." Ada said as she buried her head in her hands.

Albert striped down to his briefs, and proceeded to the door.

"What the hell are you doing?! That's what the fangirls want!" Leon said as he walked up to Albert.

"Just watch. Their noses will bleed uncontrollably. Then their hearts will stop. Sometimes I'm too much man, even for myself." Albert said as he opened the door and walked out.

The group watched, as Albert's prediction came true. The fangirls fangasamed, and fell over. Albert walked back to the house.

"Easy as one, two, four." Albert said as he got dressed.

"Three you idiot! Three!" Ada said as she threw Albert's shirt at him.

"I knew that. I was just seeing if you knew that."

"Whatever! Lets get out of here, before they wake up!" Leon said as he bolted out the door.

The rest of the group followed Leon.

_Meanwhile, on a cliff overlooking the village. _

"Well I see the fangirls are incapacitated. Fools. All of them are fools. Do you have the army, I asked for Vampuric Spider?" The strange man asked. As he looked through, some binoculars.

A man walked forward, and was about 5' 8. He had short dirty blond hair, and hazel eyes, that hid behind a pair of glasses. He was of average build, and had some muscle definition. He was wearing a stone grey colored t-shit, a pair of blue jeans, and a pair of black tennis shoes.

"Well. I couldn't get, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists. But I got a guy named Tom."

Tom walked forward. He was 5'10, and his dark brown hair, was down to his chin. He wore a black, Slayer, Seasons In The Abyss t-shirt, a pair of blue jeans, and a blue pair of sneakers. He was lean, but had some tone.

"Hi. How are ya."

"Tell me, he's at least one of the things, I asked for Spider." The man asked, as he turned toward them.

"Sorry but he isn't"

"I guess, he will have to do. Welcome to the Union of Evil, Tom."

"The what?"

"Fanboys. Were fanboys. Therefore, we are the ultimate evil in the universe. You are a fanboy aren't you?"

"I guess. I know Spider, but who are you?"

"I am the ultimate evil in this universe. For you see, I control the story. That's right, I am Grusnoid! The author of the story."

Grusnoid stood at 6'4 and a 1/2. He weighed 305 lbs, and had a lineman build. He wasn't as fat as a lineman, but he had some. His hair was ultra dark brown, and down to his mid back. He had a thin mustache, and a short beard on his chin. He was wearing a blue, Metallica Ride The lightning t-shirt, a pair of carpenter jeans, and a black pair of Walker steel toe boots.

"So wait, If you're the author, why don't you just do what you want?"

"Because I have a very nefarious plan Tom. My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought. Cascading into a waterfall, of creative alternatives."

"What's your plan?"

"I'll tell you. In the next Chapter!"

"A cliffhanger? Man you are evil."

"Thank you Tom. Now lets leave this place."

The three walked down the cliff.

A/N: Remember how I said I would butcher the R.E. Universe? Well this is me making good on that. The title of the chapter is pronounced Fail-ot. Like fail and pilot put together. Anyway if this goes over good. You can expect more. So if you don't want the R.E. universe to suffer. I suggest you don't read this. Muhahahaha!!!!!! All nefarious laughter aside. I hope you enjoed my first attempt at a parody. I know that there are way funnier people. Like Resident Roach Code Metallica, Prisonerksc2-303, rainfox88, hell even Special Agent FUNK is funnier than me. (Just kidding guys. Your work kicks ass, and I am just shamlessly promoting you. In the weirdest way I know how. I think the fan fiction has finally destroyed my sanity. What little of it I had to start with.) Anyway. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review, and don't expect weekly chapters like my other stories. I still have no earthly idea what to do, with this monstrosity. That I have unleashed onto the unsespecting world. Thank you Resi, USWealsilgirl, Prisonerksc2-303, AerisTifaYuffie, Vampuric Spider, and Tom. You know who you are Tom. You guys are traped now. Muhahahaha!!! (Evil laughter, is what I pride myself in.) Oh Ernie has a Brooklyn accent. I'm out. Peace.


	2. Chapter 2 The Fail Has Landed

Chapter 2 The Fail Has Landed

"I think we lost them." Hunk said as he peered around a corner.

"My god. Their worse than I thought. Their like the ten plagues of Egypt. This is proof that there is no god. Cause a loving god, wouldn't create fangirls." Leon said. As he slipped back, into his nervous breakdown.

Jack grabbed him, and slapped him again.

"Snap out of it, goddamn it!"

"Oh why should I?! This is the worst thing to happen to us since Ada!"

Ada glared at Leon "I'm right here Leon."

"I stand by my convictions."

Jack knocked both their heads together.

"This isn't the time to fight amongst ourselves! We need to warn the other R.E. characters, before it's too late."

Ada rubbed her head, and got right into Jack's face.

"Fine captain cub scout! How do you propose we do that? We have no money, no vehicle, and no guns. How are we supposed to defend ourselves, if the fangirls attack again?"

"Why are you so worried Ada? You're a woman. Unless there are lesbians, amongst those fangirls. You have nothing to worry about."

"It's the same reason, I didn't want to go undercover Jack. I'm a heavily disliked character, and those fangirls would love to kill me."

Albert walked over, and tried to calm everyone down.

"Hey if there were lesbians, or bi sexuals. That would be really hot."

Ada punched Albert across the face, and stormed off.

"Where are you going?" Hunk asked.

"Away from you morons! I have better things to do, than be part of Albert's perverted fantasies." Ada said. As she pulled out her grappling gun, and flew off.

"What did she have for breakfast? Carnation instant bitch?" Hunk asked as he watched on.

"Lets just get to a safe house, or something. I need to change, and we should try to alert the others." Leon said as he walked off.

Jack, Hunk, and Albert followed him.

_Meanwhile with the fangirls._

"Ugh. My head. Last thing I remember, I saw Wesker in his underwear." Prisoner said as she rubbed her temples.

Weasilgirl woke up violently. "Yuck! Why did I pass out, after seeing Wesker like that?! Ugh! I'm going to have to scrub my eyes with bleach to get that image out!"

"I think we should wake up Resi, and try to find those handsome men." Aeris said. As she stretched her arms, after they had fallen asleep.

"Good point. Wakey, wakey, Resi." Prisoner said as she shook Resi's shoulder.

"No, go away. Good dream."

"Come on Resi. We have to track down our prey again."

"I don't want to go to school. Give me five more minutes."

Weasilgirl pulled cloth, string, and a Singer sewing machine out of her vest pockets. She made a makeshift stretcher, out of the cloth, and two broom handles.

Aeris walked up to Weasilgirl. "Where did that sewing machine come from?"

"Time is of the essence Aeris. We need to get moving, before the trail gets cold. Prisoner, help me get Sleeping Beauty there, on the stretcher."

Prisoner and Weasilgirl set Resi on the stretcher, and carried Resi out of the village.

"Wait! You didn't answer my question Weasilgirl!" Aeris said as she chased after the other fangirls.

_Meanwhile with the Union of Evil._

"Are you going to tell me you plan?"

"In a minute Tom."

Tom shook his head, and looked at Grusnoid.

"I saw that Tom!"

"So what! You don't have a plan do you? You're just winging it."

"I have a very evil plan Tom."

"What is it then?"

An evil smile crossed Grusnoid's lips.

"Spider."

Spider ran up and stood at attention.

"Yes Grusnoid."

"Get me. The plan."

"You don't mean."

"That's right Spider, that plan."

Spider gulped, and ran off. He came back ten minutes latter, accompanied by two Nemesis T-Type Tyrants. The Tyrants were carrying The Ark of The Covenant.

Grusnoid handed two modified welding masks out. "Here is your protective eye wear Tom, and Spider."

Grusnoid snapped his fingers, and the Tyrants set the Ark down.

"Are you ready, for the most evil plan ever devised?"

"Just get on with it." Tom said as he put the mask on.

"You obviously have no taste for showmanship Tom. Very well."

Grusnoid snapped his fingers again, and the Tyrants lifted the lid off. A blinding light, and tortured spirits exited the box. The spirits killed the Tyrants, and swirled around the room. Their bone chilling screeches, could be heard for miles. Grusnoid reached into the box, and grabbed The Necronomicon.

"Thanks for the effects Ernie, collect your payment at the door."

"You're a stand up guy Mr. Grusnoid. Unlike dat deadbeat Albert." Ernie the effects man said, as he exited the room.

Grusnoid opened the Necronomicon. The book emitted, a pure evil aura. It was bound in Human flesh, and Inked in Human blood.

"Let's see here. Damn you index! You have failed me again!"

Spider walked over. "Here sir, it's this one."

Spider flipped the page open.

"Ah, here it is. Plan number five thirty seven. Alice."

The air ran cold, with the sound of that voice.

"My god. You can't be serious! A plan involving, the worst thing ever devised!"

"That's right Tom. Imagine if you will. The whole R.E. franchise, tainted by the evil that is Alice. No character would be able to do anything, besides Alice. It would send the fangirls, running away from the franchise. In droves. Then only the fanboys, would rule the R.E. franchise! Mu ha ha ha ha!"

"But won't that kill the franchise, for the fanboys as well?"

"Not at all Tom. For you see, we would have full control over Alice. She would obey only us. Then when she served her purpose, we dispose of her."

Tom felt dread in the pit of his stomach. It was weird, hearing this. How could you control Satan itself?

"Why do you need the army then?"

"Because, I need an army to defend the book. If the book falls into the hands of anyone else, it would be disastrous."

"Well I don't agree with this, but I guess I have no choice. I'll help you, and Spider."

Grusnoid was pleased to hear this. His plans were coming together perfectly.

"Who the hell are you?"

Me?

"Yes you. Who are you?"

I'm you.

"Who's you?"

Me.

"Me who?"

No genius. I'm you from a different plane of existence. Spider and Tom just watched, as Grusnoid bickered with his disembodied voice.

"Stop that!"

Hey! It's my job to describe, what goes on to the readers.

"The readers are fucking morons! I don't care what they think."

Fine then. I'll just do this.

"Do wha..."

_Meanwhile with the fangirls._

"Excuse me. Mr. voice of Grusnoid. Could you tell us, where Hunk, Leon, Jack, and Weski are?" Aeris asked as she looked to the sky.

I'm sorry Aeris. But I have to remain impartial. If I help you, I would have to help everyone. Then ugh, I would never get anything done.

Aeris put a puppy dog look on her face. "Please."

Okay. I'll help. Ada is coming your way. If you capture her, she will be able to tell you.

Aeris blew a kiss up toward the sky. "Thank you!"

"We heard, let's get into position, for an ambush." Prisoner said.

Weasilgirl started braiding rope out of grass, while Prisoner, and Aeris dug a tiger trap. They saw Ada, and hid.

"Okay. We have to be quiet." Weasilgirl said, as she watched Ada walk toward the trap.

Ada fell through the hole. Weasilgirl jumped down the pit, and tied Ada's hand behind her back.

"We've got you now bitch, and you're going to tell us everything you know."

"I'm not telling you shit!" Ada said, as she tried to get lose.

Weasilgirl pulled out a knife, and held it against Ada's throat. "Oh I think you will."

Aeris and Prisoner helped Weasilgirl, get Ada out of the pit. They carried Ada to their secret hideout.

A/N: I would like to take this moment, to apologies to AerisTifaYuffie. I'm sorry I made you do that, please don't kill me. Moving on, I would like to thank AerisTifaYuffie, Resi Roach, rainfox88, USWeasilgirl, boss_slayer, and Tom for reviewing. Thank you for the reviews guys, it means a lot to me. My evil counterpart may think otherwise, but my opinion is the only one that matters.

"You thought you were sooo funny, cutting me off. Well I agree with Leon, you are basically Carlos Mencia. Why don't you stop stealing jokes, and get a life?"

Who let you into my A/N? And what do you mean?

"I did you fool. And what I mean, is all those references you make."

It works for Seth MacFarlane.

"Seth MacFarlane is a washed up hack."

That's it! I may be a voice. But I'll hit you so hard, that the words describing the pain, will materialize in the air!

"Bring it on then."

Okay, just let me finish my A/N.

"Make it quick."

Til next time peace. Okay jackass let's go!

Dis concludes anoter autors note. Tank ya for usin, Crazy Ernie's Discount A/N's.


	3. Chapter 3 The Road To Hell

Chapter 3. The Road To Hell

_The Union of Evil H.Q._

Spider heard a knocking on the door, and opened it.

"Sir. You look like hell."

Grusniod limped into the building, and had a cut lip, two black eyes, a broken nose, and some cracked ribs.

"You should see the other guy."

I'm perfectly fine. How did you like your ass beating?

"Shut Up!"

"Wait. You got beat up by your disembodied voice? How does that work?"

Well Spider it works, because Mr. I'm in charge their, was a cocky asshole.

Tom walked in the room, and was holding his sides from laughing so hard.

"Oh my god this is too funny. I can't believe you got your ass kicked by a voice."

"Fuck off Tom. No one asked for your two cents."

"I only wish I was there. That way I could have the best viral vid ever. Man Gets Ass Kicked By Voice, that would have been so funny."

"How would you like to be the first victim of Alice, once I summon her?"

Tom immediately shut up, and pulled himself together.

"I'll shut up."

"That's what I thought. I'm going to get these wounds looked over. Anything I should know?"

Spider walked forward.

"Other than Ada getting captured by the fangirls, nope."

"Huh. I didn't think their were fangirls that liked Ada. Well, shows how much I know. I'm going to get fixed up, and then we'll start with the summoning process."

Grusnoid limped into the medical wing of the H.Q.

_Meanwhile with the fangirls._

"I'm sick of you not telling me anything Ada. Prisoner, get me Resi."

"Why?"

"I'm going to kill two birds with one stone."

Prisoner went to get Resi, and came back with her five minuets latter. Resi was still asleep, and Weasilgirl grabbed Resi's ankles. She swung Resi like a baseball bat, and hit Ada in the head with Resi's. Ada fell to the ground, and Resi woke up.

"Owww! What the hell Weasil?!"

"I wasn't getting anywhere with Ada, and you were still asleep. Hold on, Ada's trying to get up."

Weasilgirl swung Resi again, and hit Ada in the same spot as before. Resi rubbed her head, and then punched Weasilgirl in the nose. Weasilgirl let go of Resi, and writhed in pain. Resi got up, and dusted herself off.

"What the hell Resi?!"

"That's for using me like a baseball bat! Are you just dumb, or stupid?!"

Resi and Weasilgirl got into a fight. Prisoner tried to break it up, but couldn't. Ada tried to sneak out of the room, but got hit by the door, as it flew open.

"I made cookies! Who wants one?"

Aries walked into the room with a plate of cookies, and the fighting just stopped.

"I'll take one."

"Me too."

"Yeah give me one."

The three fangirls took a cookie, and turned to see Ada. She was in rough shape.

"If I can leave, I will tell you what you want."

"Okay. Just don't lie to us." Aries said as she handed Ada a cookie.

"Okay. Their in Hell."

'She's lying to us." Resi said as she cracked her knuckles.

"Would you let me finish! Their in Hell, Michigan."

Prisoner was confused. "Michigan? I thought we where in Iowa."

Resi took a bite of her cookie. "The scenery jumps way too much. Mainly because Grusniod, has no idea what he wants to do with this series."

"Were in a series?" Areis asked.

"Yeah. You talked to the disembodied voice, of the series creator." Weasilgirl stated.

"That's right, I did. Well let's go to Hell. Ada, you are free to go."

Ada got up, and walked out of the room.

_Meanwhile in Hell, Michigan._

"Man I love Candy Land! I have never lost!" Albert said as he got up.

"Isn't their something we should be doing right now?"

"I think your right Leon, I can't remember what it was though." Jack said, as he scratched his head.

You're supposed to be alerting the other R.E. characters!

"Right! Thank you booming voice!" Albert said as he ran to a phone.

_Five minutes later._

"Okay. We contacted everyone, and they said they would help."

Hunk looked at Leon.

"How?"

"Well. They said they would prey for us."

"Well then. It's nice to know that we are going to get assaulted by fangirs. But hey, at least the parers of our co-workers are with us. Maybe we could construct a weapon, that uses hopes and wishes as ammunition. While were at it, why don't we tell the rain not to fall, the sun not to shine, and the wind not to blow. Let's face facts, it's only a matter of time before the fangirls find us, and we are ripped to shreds. Were fucked."

"That's a deprssing view on things Hunk."

"Shut the fuck up Albert. You may be a menacing character in the games, but here you're about as smart as a sack of hammers. I think the developers fucked up when they made Chris the good guy, and you the bad guy. Chris actually built a death ray, and conquered Latveria. What have you done?"

"That's not a real country!"

"Who said that?"

The group looked out the window, and saw a man who looked like the poster boy for Marvel Comics.

"Who the hell are you?" Jack asked.

"I'm Captain Marvel. Not the one from Detective Comics either. I know all their is to know about Marvel Comics."

"Well aren't you just the lifeless virgin. Here's a hunski. Go get laid, and get a life." Hunk said. As he threw a crumpled hundred dollar bill, at the comic book geek.

"Hey! I have a girlfriend!"

"Is she blind in one eye, and wall eyed in the other?" Leon asked.

"Fuck you guys. I'm going to leave."

"Don't spend that hundred in one place!" Hunk said as he shut the window.

"Let's get some sleep. Hopefully we can think of something."

The group headed to bed.

A/N: I know that last bit was mean, but I couldn't resist. It's funny and my youngest brother Dalton, and I will see you all in hell. I want to thank Dalton, he's the co-writer for this series. He helped me write chapter two, and this chapter. He's a sharp tongued little bastard, and helps me with ideas. I would like to thank USWeasilgirl, Resi Roach, boss_slayer, and rianfox88 for reviewing. Chapter four will be out, when it comes out. Till next time, peace.


	4. Chapter 4 Alice

Chapter 4. Alice

_Union of Evil H.Q._

Grusnoid flipped through the Necronomicon, and found the ritual spell for Alice.

"Lets see here. According to the Necronomicon, we need, Three vials of goats blood, the head of Joe Estevez, and ten thousand virgins as a sacrafice."

"Well We could get the goats blood easy. But where are we going to get Joe Estevez's head, and ten thousand virgins?"

"You think to hard Spider. All we need to do for Joe is look him up on the Internet. As for the virgins, what is their largest gathering?"

"Uh, a Lan party?"

"Close."

"Oh I know! The San Diego Comic Con."

"Exactly. Good work Tom."

The three started to gather the ingredients.

_Five hours later._

"Alright we need a cauldron. Spider! Get me The Black Cauldron!"

"Where is it?"

"It should be in the hall closet."

Spider grabbed The Black Cauldron, and brought it to Grusnoid.

"Not the movie Spider, the actual Cauldron."

"Oh, sorry."

Spider left the room, and went to get the actual Black Cauldron.

"I tell you. It's hard to soar like an eagle, when you work with turkeys."

Spider returned with the Cauldron, and set it in the middle of the room.

"No to the left, no a little more to the right, no the left a little more. Perfect! Everything is set into place!"

"So what now?"

"Now Tom, we must add the ingredients precisely. First the goats blood."

The goats blood was added, so that not one drop was wasted.

"Now Joe's head."

Joe's head was added to the mix.

"Finally the ten thousand virgins!"

The virgins were lined up like cattle.

"Where are we?"

"What is this place?"

"I was promised autographs from Leonard Nimoy, and William Shatner. But their not here."

Grusnoid looked at them.

"Mostly males, age twenty five to thirty. They look like virgins alright. Okay throw them in."

Spider and Tom started throwing the virgins into the cauldron. They started with the Trekkies.

"He's dead Jim. He's dead Jim. He's dead Jim." Spider kept saying as he threw the trekies in with Tom.

_Seven hours later._

"Okay that's the last of them sir."

"Good, now for the chant. Get me my wavy dagger, ceremonial robes, and Cthulhu."

Grusnoid put his robe on, and waved the dagger around. Cthulhu sat their.

"Good. Good." Cthulhu said as he rubbed his hands together.

"Forces of darkness, I summon you. Bring forth the one who is the destroy of worlds. The plague upon humanity. The ender of days. Bring forth death, the end of all who gaze upon it. Bring forth Alice. Klaatu barada nikto!"

The cauldron exploded in a massive fire. Their was lava flowing from the cauldron itself, and

the figure of Alice emerged from the cauldron.

_Meanwhile in Hell Michigan. _

The four Characters woke up, after hearing a loud knock on their door.

"I'll get it!" Albert said as he walked over to the door.

"NO!" The other three shouted in unison.

"Oh what's the worst that could happen?"

Albert opened the door, and the fangirls pounced on Albert. Except for Weasilgirl.

"That's the worst that can happen." Weasilgirl said, as she walked past the cloud of dust.

Leon, Hunk, and Jack backed into the corner, while Weasilgirl walked closer.

"Leon you can get lost, and Jack I think you're gay. So by default, Hunk is mine."

"What about me?" Albert asked from the dust cloud.

"I've always hated you."

"That's because, I'm more man then you can handle. Girl."

Alice materialized in the room, with the fanboys. Everyone stopped fighting, and gazed upon the evil that was Alice.

"Welcome to your nightmare. MU HA HA HA HA HA!" Grusnoid laughed as he held the Necronomicon.

A/N: Alice has arrived. All fear her bland, wooden, and vague acting ability. Enough to make the forest that is Halle Berry, look like a grouping of saplings. Where do I start? I guess an apology is in order for unleashing the Apocalypse, two years early. Even though it's my evil self, and he should be apologising! But what can I, a voice do? (Other than beat him up again.) Anyway thanks to Resi Roach, Prisoner, boss_slayer, and rainfox for reviewing. Til the Apocalypse becomes official. Peace.


	5. Chapter 5 New Nightmare

Chapter 5. New Nightmare

"Well, well, well. What have we here? Fangirls, the scum of the earth. And Resident Evil Characters. The slowly dying franchise. Well, not any more."

Resi ran up, and slapped Grusnoid across the face.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! Why on earth would you summon Alice, the worst thing to happen to humanity since Pauly Shore!"

"It's quite simple my Aussie acquaintance. I hate fangirls. I've hated them since I discovered the Internet. They ruin everything. They ruin it with Yaoi, they ruin it with parings that make no sense, and they ruin it with fan fiction, that makes the Twilight series, look like works of Shakespeare by comparison! You women, are the reason that everything good, and wonderful in this world dies. I have summoned the most heinous creature I could think of, to end your reign of terror. But first, lets watch the news. Shall we?"

Grusnoid turned on the news. Their were headlines rolling.

_"Ten thousand fans missing from Comic Con."_

_"A ball of fire was reported from a lair, somewhere in Western Wisconsin."_

_"Joe Estevezwas reported missing. When asked about his brother's disappearance. Martin Sheen simply replied: I had a brother?"_

"Well it looks like people have taken notice. So the question is, how will you ladies die? Slow and painful, or quick and painless?"

Resi did a roundhouse kick toward Grusnoid, but Alice caught her kick.

"Sweep the leg Alice."

Alice sweeped Resi's leg, and broke the one she was holding. Resi screamed out in pain. The other fangirls looked on in horror.

"Tell you what. I'm feeling generous. I'll let you select the area of your death."

The fangirls huddled around Resi. They all discussed where to go. They finally had their answer.

"Wisconsin. We want you, to transport all of us to Wisconsin." Prisoner said.

"Very well. You will die in a place, worse than Hell, and my homeland. A fitting setting."

Grusniod flipped through the Necronomicon. Their was a noise outside of the building.

"Alive if you can, dead if you have to."

"Uh sir. The Michigan Militia showed up." Spider said as he looked out the window.

"Hang on! I'm looking for the spell!"

"What do you want us to do?"

"Kill them, stall them, I don't care Tom. Just take care of the problem."

"Finally some action!" Tom said, as he loaded a clip of armor pricing bullets into a Dragunov sniper rifle.

"You can say that again." Spider said.

Spider loaded a Winchester Model 1887. The shotgun was modified, so that the user could use the lever action with one hand. Just like in T2 Judgement Day.

"Hey! I want to do something!" Weasilgirl shouted.

"Fine, you can help. But this changes nothing, you're still going to die."

Weasilgirl pulled a Saiga-12 out of her vest pocket. It was already loaded.

"Three, two, one." The militia said as the door got kicked down.

Weasilgirl and Spider shot the initial militia. Tom was racking up head shots with his rifle. The militia just kept coming.

"Have you found the spell yet?"

"Almost Tom, keep your skirt on!"

"Fuck you, at least I wasn't beat up by a voice."

"Would you just worry about the militia?! I almost found the spell, goddamn it!"

The three continued to lay suppressive fire, while Areis, and Prisoner tended to Resi. Grusnoid finally found the spell.

"Ex terra of autos, ut terra of insigne. EGO to order vos sumo nos suum. ( From the land of autos, to the land of badgers. I command you to take us their.)"

Their was a bright flash, the room was empty. The militia looked on in shock.

A/N: Before you ask, yes I do live in Wisconsin. Sad, I know. Well it looks like things are going to get heated up. Sorry I had Alice break your leg Resi, I needed it to look like theirs no hope, then you pull this plan, and the day is saved. Ticker tape parade, Alice six feet under. That kind of thing. Anyway I would like to thank USWeasilgirl, rainfox, and Resi Roach for reviewing. Til next time, peace.


	6. Chapter 6 Welcome to Lambeau

Chapter 6. Welcome to Lambeau.

A bright flash filled the streets of a city in Wisconsin. All the R.E. Characters, the fangirls, and the fanboys appered from the flash.

"Where are we, and why are these girls clinging to me?" Billy asked as he tried to figure out why all the fangirls where clinging to him.

"Welcome to Green Bay, Wisconsin. Home of cheese, staggering drunks, and the Packers." Grusnoid said as he held the Necronomicon.

"Why are we here?" Jill asked as she looked around.

"It's quite simple Ms. Valentine. You see, the Necronomicon has transported you here through a spell I cast."

"Why us?" Chris asked.

"I needed a crowd to witness, the deaths of those fangirls who continue to cling to Mr. Coen."

Rebecca moved over to Billy, and Started throwing the fangirls off. "Billy's mine you parasites! Go find your own man!"

Billy just shook his head. "I'm not even going to say anything."

Grusnoid walked past the crowd with his followers, and Alice. "The battle will take place at Lambeau Field."

"Why a football stadium?" Ada asked as she looked around confused.

"Goddamn, you people ask a lot of questions! Just get your asses in the stadium!" Grusnoid shouted as he pointed toward Lambeau Field.

The fangirls carried Resi, who still had her broken leg. Everyone else ran into the field, and sat in the seats. Grusnoid pointed to the fangirs, and Alice.

"On the field, right now!"

"But what about Resi?" Prisoner asked.

"She's going to die anyway, get on that field!"

The fangirls mumbled under their breaths, as Alice leaped onto the field from the seats.

"So what's the plan, we seem pretty boned right now." Resi said as the fangirls set her on the field.

"Well, we need more Wisconsin citizens here. The plan hinges on the fact, that Wisconsinites are rabid, drunken, Packer fans."

"I got it under control Prisoner." Weasilgirl said as she started constructing a giant megaphone.

"How does she have all these things in her pockets?"

"I don't know Aries, but we need to stall Alice." Prisoner said as she drew a Glock model 22.

"Hey! What the hell am I supposed to do?" Resi asked.

"Cheer from the sidelines, cause that leg is not going to heal anytime soon."

Resi vented, and watched as Prisoner, and Aries kept Alice at bay.

"Okay, we need to...." Alice moved at blistering speeds, and slugged Prisoner across the face. The force of the impact sent her to the ground.

"Prisoner are you......." Alice then sunk her fist into Aries torso, and made her cough up blood.

"You two skanks are hardly worth my time. That other slut over on the side lines found out the hard way." Alice said as flaunted over the two fangirls.

"What did you say you harlot?!" Resi shouted from the sidelines.

Alice moved over to Resi so fast that it left an after image. Alice picked Resi off the ground by her throat.

"I said you're a slut, who learned the hard way. Can you hear me now, bitch?"

"Hear this." Resi said as she pulled out a Taurus Raging Bull, an fired the gun.

Alice dodged the bullet, and threw Resi into the ground. She picked the magnum up, and folded it like an accordion. Alice dropped the balled up gun on the ground.

"Yeah! Now that is a showing!" Grusnoid shouted.

Alice looked up to Grusnoid, and moved up to him.

"What are you doing?! Destroy the fangirls!"

"You are weak, I don't take orders from the weak."

"I hold the Necronomicon! I can easily send you back, to the pits of hell!"

Alice took the book from Grusnoid, and ripped it in half.

"What have you done?! That book is evil incarnate, destroying it will unleash hell beasts upon the world!"

A smile passed Alice's lips. "Exactly."

Alice plunged her hand through Grusnoid's skull, and ripped his brain out. She dropped the brain on the ground, and crushed it on the ground.

A/N: Sorry for the use of derogertory remarks toward women in this chapter. Alice is evil, and that just sounds like her. Well my evil counterpart is dead, and the fanboys are without a leader. What's the plan that the fangirls have? You'll just have to wait and see. I would like to thank Resi Roach, rainfox, and Weasilgirl for their reviews, till next time. Peace.


	7. Chapter 7 Packers

Chapter 7. Packers!

Hell spawn started to come out of the ground, and the sky darkened.

"Uh Spider."

"Yes Tom."

"Lets get out of here."

"Agreed."

Tom, and Spider ran out of the field, and back toward the fanboy H.Q. Everyone else was frozen with fear.

"Weasil, do you have that megaphone done?!"

"Almost Resi."

"Well hurry up, cause Alice is coming our way again." Aries said, as she got back to her feet.

Alice walked slowly toward Aries, and Prisoner. She had a smile cross her lips.

"What's so humorous?" Aries asked.

"You fangirls are fools. You chase after the R.E. men, why? Their not going to be with clingy sluts like you anyway. Besides, my time is nigh. With the hell beasts I unleashed, I can finally rule this world. I will force everyone to watch my new movie, Resident Evil Afterlife, and it will overtake Avatar as the highest grossing film ever. When it is released September tenth of this year, I will be all powerful. So I'll humor you fangirls. I'll let you commence your plan against me. Take your time, because I will succeed."

Aries, and Prisoner couldn't believe their luck They decided to help Weasilgirl out with the megaphone.

"We want to help too." Hunk said as he pionted toward the rest of the R.E. characters.

"Why?" Prisoner asked.

"If there is even the slightest chance, that this plan will kill that Whore. Were in. Claire and I, are sick of being useless in those movies." Jill said as she extended her hand.

Prisoner shook Jill's hand. Resi shouted from the sidelines. "What about me?! What am I supposed to do?"

"Here Resi, you can pull the trigger." Weasilgirl said as she produced two football jerseys.

"Awesome." Resi said as she held the jerseys.

_Two hours later._

"Okay everyone, that should do it!" Weasilgirl said as she set the final piece.

The group looked at the giant megaphone. It took up half of the football field in length, and almost touched the sidelines.

"So who's going to use it?" Aries asked.

"I will. This is personal." Albert said as he walked forward.

"Okay then, we need you on the scissor lift."

Albert followed Weasilgir's instructions, and got on the scissor lift.

"Okay everyone push the button."

Everyone did what Resi said, and pushed the giant button.

"Ready?"

"I was born ready Weasilgirl, this is for those movies making me look a fool."

Albert took in a deep breath, and shouted with all his might.

"Packers!"

The sound was so loud, that it broke all the windows within a five hundred mile radius. The earth itself shook. The sound stopped, and there was a moment of silence. The silence broke, after a large hoard of Wisconsin citizens came stampeding into Lambeau. They all started shouting different phrases.

"Packers?"

"Packers!"

"Yeah Packers, Whooooo! Packers won the Super Bowl! Whooo!!!"

"U.S. out of North America, and Packers!!"

"No more schools, more hockey arenas! More Packers!!!!!"

"Whoo!!! Packers!!!!!"

"Go Pack Go! Go Pack Go!"

The Wisconsinites continued to file in, and continued their chants.

"This was your plan? A bunch of dumb, drunk, rednecks?" Alice scoffed.

"Can I do it now Weasilgirl?"

"Yes Resi, you can do it. Throw the jerseys."

Resi threw the jerseys onto Alice. One was a Brett Favre Viking jersey, and the other was Michael Adams jersey. The Wisconsinites saw the jerseys, and went mad with rage.

"It's Brett Favre, the greatest tratior in Wisconsin, no World history!"

"Yeah, and it's Michael Adams! He face masked Rodgers in overtime! Lets kill them both!!!!!!"

"For the Packers!"

"Yeah Packers!!!!!!!!!"

The Wisconsin citizens attacked Alice, and beat her to death. They ripped out limbs, eyes, intestines, and even decapitated her. They carried her corpse out of Lambeau, and carried her away. As soon as she died, the hell beasts where sucked back into the ground. The shouting of Packer fans could be heard for miles.

"Well It looks like the plan worked. Alice is dead, the fanboys are beaten, and have been driven back, and we have the R.E. men all to ourselves!" Weasilgirl said as she got out a large fish net.

"Not if we have anything to say about it." The R.E. ladies said as they stepped forward.

"Well theirs only one thing I can say girls."

"What's that Resi?" Aries asked.

"It's time to run!!!!!"

The fangirls picked up Resi, and got chased by the angry R.E. females.

A/N: This is not the final chapter. Theirs still the issue of R.E. Afterlife, what happened to the fanboys, and much more. So keep watching the skies! Always watch the skies! A lot of the Packer chanting is a reference to MST3K. Giant Spider Invasion to be exact. If you like to bash on Wisconsin, watch that riff. It's one of the better MST3K episodes I've seen. I would like to thank Jill Kennedy, rainfox, and boss-slayer for reviewing. Til next time, peace!


	8. Chapter 8 Advertisement

Chapter 8. Advertisement.

All four of the fangirls stood in front of a camera, and said in unison.

"Hi! You know us, were part of a crappy parody series."

All four of them put a Cleavland Indians baseball cap on. Areis started speaking.

"But since were the pawns of an omnipitent voice, no one recognises us. Not even in our own social circles."

Prisoner began next. "That's why we became fangirls, and started chasing after our favorite R.E. Characters."

Resi began next. "So if this sounds fun, then send Grusnoid a P.M. detailing your appearance. That way, you can keep from getting kicked out of your favorite hotels, and restaurant type places."

Weasilgirl was last. "So if this sounds like fun, remember to send a P.M. Even if you're a man."

Prisoner spoke again. "Look what it's done for us. People still don't recognize us but." Prisoner snaps her fingers.

Grusnoid stepped in at the last minute. "Were contenders now."

Willie Mays Hayes slid into the commercial, and said. "The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it."

"Will someone get Willie out of here!" Grusnoid shouted.

Two bouncers escorted Willie out.

"Can we take that again?"

"Sorry Mr. Grusnoid, but that was our last film."

"Fine. It'll have to work, run it Ernie."

"You gots it Mr. Grusnoid."

"Wait! How are you still alive?"

"I'll explain in the next chapter Resi. For now, I'm going home. Goodbye."

Grusnoid walked out of the studio.

A/N: Fail if you haven't figured out, what I'm parodying yet. It's Major League, one of the best sports comedies ever! Anyway, you heard right. I'm casting more people. If you want to be apart of this, Send me your fan persona, and what you look like in your P.M. easy as that. I would like to thank Prisoner, rainfox, boss-slayer, and Weasilgirl for the reviews. Auditions will end, at the end of this month. So April 30th. Til next time, peace.


	9. Chapter 9 The Resident Wars

Chapter 9. The Resident Wars

"What in the hell, do you slack jawed faggots think you're doing?"

Spider and Tom looked up, and where stunned to see Grusnoid standing there.

"What do you think you two are doing?! You're selling all my stuff! I had to kick the shit out of three different people, to get my Venture Brothers dvd's back. What is the meaning of all this?!"

Spider quickly came to his senses, and tried to explain.

"We watched Alice kill you sir. She ripped your brain, out of your skull."

"Oh. I underestand what happened."

"You're confusing us sir.'' Tom said as he tried to figure things out.

"I hired a stuntman to take my place. I had other matters to attend to, and I needed a temporary replacement. So sad to hear that he's dead too, he only had two days to retierment."

There was a knock at the front door.

"What now?"

Grusnoid opened the door to see a man about 5'4, with short brown hair. He had blue eyes, and was wearing a Brad V. For the win T-shirt. He had blue jeans, and skater shoes. He also had a survival knife.

"Hi I saw your advertisement, and I want to join."

"And you are?"

"Where are my manners? My name is boss-slayer, and I am a huge Brad Vickers fan. He's the most awesome R.E. character ever, and I think the most under apreciated as well."

Grusnoid fell on the floor, and couldn't breath for a second or two. He got back to his feet, and tried to regain composure.

"I'm sorry, did you say that you're a Brad Vickers fan?"

"Yes I did, and I would apreciate you not mocking him."

"Oh man, I can't believe that their is a person, that likes that chicken shit coward. Oh I think I'm going to die laughing."

"You know what, fuck you! I'm going to create my own fan club. With hookers, and Blackjack, and booze. You'll regret the day you made me your enemy!"

Boss walked away from the castle.

"Yeah, I'm shaking in my boots. I'll be counting the days til that happens."

Boss just kept walking off.

_Meanwhile with the fangirls._

"Why didn't you bust out that magical healing potion earlier Weasilgirl?" Resi asked as she walked around with he leg now healed.

"It slipped my mind. I mean I only had to worry about that Grusnoid psycho, and Alice. I guess saving fangirls across the globe, is just not as important."

Their was a knock at the door of the fangirls apartment. Aries got to the door first, she opened the door, and saw a short, athleticaly built, brown haired, green eyed girl. She was wearing a white t-shirt, and some blue jeans. her shoes were plain black collored tennies. Her hair was short, kinda spiky, and wavy.

"Hi I'm here to join your group. My name is rainfox88, and I'm a really big Wesker fangirl."

Prisoner heard, and walked over to rain. "Oh yeah, in that case, welcome to the group."

"Wow really? Your not going to ask me to take an oath, or do some weird ritualistic thing?"

"Nope. Now get in here, we can always use more people for our plan."

"What plan?"

"Oh you'll see."

Rain walked in the door, and shut it behind her.

_Meanwhile thousands of miles away._

The Resident Evil cast started to speculate on how to stop Paul Anderson.

"Okay I would like to call everyone to order." Chris said as he hit the Gavle.

"So why have we been called here Chris?"

"Well Leon, as you know, Alice was just part of the problems facing our franchise. The other problems being, Paul Anderson, and our fanbase. Anderson is going to release that awful movie, and our fans are trying to capture us, or rule our destinys. I say no more! It's time the creations, rise up against the creator! It's time we take out Capcom."

"Down with Capcom, long live R.E."

The Resident wars, have begun.

A/N: Well my evil counterpart managed to kill a stuntman, and cast out a fanboy. As for the characters, well they want total liberation. The fangirls, continue to be fangirls. I want to thank, rainfox88, and USWeasilgirl for their reviews. I wont be writting as much, since I'm working with my dad. So don't be supprised to hear less from me. I'll try to get these chapters out, as I write them. Til next time, peace.


	10. Chapter 10 Agents of Fortune

Chapter 10. Agents of Fortune

Grusnoid sat in front of a huge entertainment center. He was watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Final Sacrifice to be exact. Spider came up to him.

"Sir. I'm glad to see that you're back, but that last ritual cost us big. If we don't do something."

Grusnoid cut Spider off. "Shhhh! I'm watching MST3K. I love this episode."

"Sir we are about to go bankrupt. If we don't do something, we will..."

"New rule. When I'm watching MST3K, no one speaks. Okay?"

"But the finances."

"What did I just say? Is MST3K over?"

"No."

"Then why are you talking? Oh this is a great skit."

Grusnoid turned his head back toward the T.V., and watched the skit.

Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot where dressed in black robes. Both had cardboard Machete's, and both where speaking in a low pitched tone. Mike walked into the room.

"Hello Mike." Tom said in his low pitched tone.

"Hi fellas, how's it going?"

"Nice flowers." Crow said in a low pitched tone.

"Thanks."

"Hehehe." Crow laughed in the same low tone.

"Hey! You guys didn't take, and go and start a cult did you?"

"Ah ha ha. A cult? A cult? No of course not." Tom said as he cleared his voice.

"That is the most obsurd thing. Yeah, well we did." Crow said in his normal voice.

"Yeah wanna join?" Tom asked.

"No I don't wanna join. You'll probably be sacrificing black poets, and wearing goat heads and things."

"Well you know we thought of all that, but it seemed like a lot of work." Crow stated.

"Actually we just like to bake muffins. Lots of different kinds." Tom stated.

Grusnoid looked at Spider. "Are you pondering, what I'm pondering Spider?"

"I think so Grusnoid, but Burlap chafes me so."

"NO! A bake sale."

"You're kidding right?"

"Why not? You said we needed money."

"One, who the hell is going to buy food from us? And two, baking is for women."

"You have any better ideas? I would love to hear them."

"No."

"Good. Start gathering supplies, and tell Tom he needs to pick up some things. I'll make a list."

_Meanwhile, with the fangirls_.

"Alright everyone, let's get down to our plan!" Prisoner said in a high energy tone.

"Not before I get some coffee. Ugh, I'm terrible in the morning without it." Resi said as she walked over to the coffee pot. She opened up the coffee tin, and just about lost it.

"It's empty? NOOOOOO!"

Resi started searching through the kitchen, desperately trying to find coffee. Resi stopped when she smelled coffee.

"You! You drank all the coffee!" Resi said as she pointed at Prisoner.

"Yup. Coffee makes you act weird. Coffee!" Prisoner said, she was wound up tighter than a four day clock. At any minute, she could bounce off the walls.

"I told you to lock up the coffee Resi! Prisoner is hyper already, we don't need a meltdown."

"Well sorry Weasil, I thought I could have a nice cup of coffee. Instead, I have to deal with the fangirl equivalent of Chernobyl."

"What's going on guys?" Aries asked, as her and rainfox entered.

"Prisoner drank all the coffee, now were waiting for the fallout."

The fangirs watched as Prisoner vanished from sight. They had no idea what happened.

"Where did she go?"

"I have no idea Resi."

"I found a note!" Rainfox said as she held up the parchment.

"What does it say?"

"Moving faster than you guys can process. Trapped in what seems like a slow motioned world around me. Get help."

"Great! Now we have to find someone who can help us." Weasil said in frustration.

"I have an idea."

Rainfox got a stereo, and a copy of REO Speedwagon's album Wheels Are Turnin'. She set it to track six, and let the song play.

"God I hope this works."

The song started to play. Rainfox fast forwarded it, to the point she wanted it to play.

**'And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for."**

The plan worked, and Prisoner came back into sight.

"How did you know to do that?" Aries asked.

"Those dumb Cheetos commercials. That's where I got it from."

"Are you okay Prisoner?"

"Are you kidding Weasil? That was awesome! I felt like I could do anything! I need to get stronger coffee. I bet I could travel faster than light!"

"NO!" Everyone shouted at the same time, as the tried to restrain Prisoner.

"Let me go! I need the coffee!"

"Prisoner! We need you to be calm. The plan to assassinate Anderson depends on it."

"Fine Resi, you guys are spoil sports. I could drink a bunch of coffee, and take care of Anderson in no time."

"That's not fun then. We all want a piece of that asshole. We can not allow Resident Evil Afterlife to see the light of day."

"You're right Weasilgirl. Okay, lets go over the plan."

Rainfox pulled out a blueprint, and laid it out on the table.

"From what I could gather, Anderson will be in lot sixty of Constantin Film."

"Who?" Aries asked.

"Their a German film production company."

"Does that mean we have to go to Germany, rainfox?"

"Yup, Munich to be exact."

"Okay, then. We will have to buy weapons in Germany. I can get the tickets fairly easy." Prisoner boasted.

"Good. Lets hope this goes off without a hitch. Lord knows I don't want to sit through another R.E. film."

_Meanwhile, in New York._

"Hello. How can I help you today?"

"Yes, We need nine tickets to Osaka Japan."

"Certainly, can I get your name ms."

"Valentine. Jill Valentine."

"Okay Ms. Valentine, did you pack your own bag?"

Jill rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"Has it been in your possession the whole time?"

"Yes."

"Any chance that it could have left your sight?"

"No! Look can we hurry this up? We have a strict schedule to keep."

"Mam, I'm going as fast as I can. We only have ten trillion more questions to go."

_12 hours later._

Everyone except for Jill was out cold. They had fallen asleep listening to the barrage of questions. Jill couldn't stand it anymore.

"You know what? I think we'll take a ship instead! Jesus tap dancing Christ, I'll be dead before I board that plane! Come on everyone get up!"

"What?" Chris said as he woke up.

"Were leaving! I've had enough of this airport security bullshit!"

Jill stormed out of the airport, and was followed by the group that consisted of Chris, Billy, Rebecca, Hunk, Albert, Jack, Leon, and Ada.

"So what now fearless leader?" Albert asked.

"Now we do what I said. Take a ship."

"Does this mean that we have to travel to the West Coast?" Leon asked.

"Yes."

"Ugh!" Everyone except Jill said in unison.

"Hey! We have to do this! I don't know about the rest of you, but I would rather we not be the Tomb Raider of survival horror. Is that what you want? Bad camera, bad controls, and graphics that only enhance the jiggle physics in women's breasts?"

"That last one didn't sound too bad." Albert said cheerfully.

"Chris."

"I'm on it."

Chris dropped Albert in one punch. Albert was out colder, than Alan from The Hangover.

"Does anyone else have any stupid remarks, or questions?"

"Did they really give out rings at the Holocaust?" Albert asked.

"I thought I knocked you out cold."

"You did, It's just that I recover fast."

"You are literally too stupid to insult."

"Thank you."

"Now say goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Chris slugged Albert again, this time harder than before.

"Throw Albert in the back of the van, and lets go."

The group followed Jill's instructions, and got into the cargo van. Jilll pulled away from the airport, once everyone was in the van.

A/N: It's been a while. Sorry about the long wait, I have been busy. I have been working quite a bit lately, and it seems like it's not going anywhere. So, I finally got to watch The Hangover, and it was as good as the hype. Alan is by far my favorite character. I also liked Phil, Stu, and Jade. Damn, Heather Graham was hot in that movie. Stu made the right decision, I would have picked Jade over Melissa too. Doug wasn't in the movie long enough, for me to really get to know him. Anyway, that bit between Albert and Chris is a reference to that movie. I won't spoil it for you, if you haven't seen it. Otherwise, if you haven't watched that movie. Do it, you'll have a blast. I would like to thank AriesTifaYufie, boss-slayer, USWeasilgirl, Prisoner, Epic Face, The guy who left a random comment, and no name (It's not a screen name, I seriously have no idea who he is. Check my reviews, I'm serious.) , and rainfox. Til the next chapter. Peace.


	11. Chapter 11 Planes, Ships, and Bake Sales

Chapter 11. Planes, Ships, and Bake Sales.

Grusnoid stood back, and looked at the bake sale stand. It looked like it was store bought, and the craftsmanship was superb.

"Wow guys, the stall looks great! I am really impressed, and proud."

"Really sir?"

"Yes Tom."

"Okay. Who are you, and what have you done with Grusnoid?"

"Come on Spider, I'm not a cynical prick all the time."

"You want us to get the baked goods?"

"Sure, go get them Tom."

Tom jogged up to the fortress, and started carting out the vast, and almost limitless amount of cakes, bars, and cookies.

"I can't believe we got so much food. We need to move a lot of this."

"Oh ye of little faith Spider. Where in Wisconsin. A state that has a good number of hefty people."

"Like you sir?" Spider asked as he pointed to Grusnoid's stomach.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. No. Believe it or not, I'm actually in a lot better shape, than a lot of people in this state. Also, I can beat you to within an inch of your life. So I'd watch my tongue if I were you Spider."

"A customer is coming!" Tom shouted with glee, as he pointed toward a stranger walking toward the stand.

"Okay, let me do the talking, I've sold things before."

Grusnoid stood behind the booth, as the man got closer.

"Welcome! What can I help you with today?"

"I was wondering if I could join your group?"

The stranger was about 5'8. He wore a pair of black jeans, a choker, a midnight red wife beater, a jet black leather jacket, and a pair of black combat boots. His hair was styled in a spike-like emo, with maroon red highlights. He had charcoal grey eyes, and a look of complete apathy.

"Okay, and you are?"

"DevilWithoutaCause."

"Can I ask you some questions?"

"I guess, I really don't see why."

"Who is your favorite character?"

"Brad Vickers."

"Strike one."

"What do you mean strike one?"

"Come on man. Brad Vickers is a bitch. If you looked up useless in the dictionary, his picture would be the definition."

"I don't like you belittling Brad!"

"Wow. Emo's have more emotions, than just apathy."

"I'm not Emo! I'm Goth!"

"Lets expand on that idea. Are you apart of a Germanic speaking barbarian tribe, that managed to conquer the city of Rome, after the Roman Empire split into East, and West?"

"No."

"Okay then. Are you apart of an elite cavalry unit. That was used by the Holy Roman Empire, and struck fear, into many of the First German Reich's enemies?"

"No."

"Are you at least German?"

"No."

"Then you are not a Goth. You do not fit the criteria, to be a Goth. Therefore, you are an Emo. I hate it when winy little assholes, dress in black, and call themselves Goth. I at least have some Germanic blood running through my veins. As such, I am more of a Goth than you."

"You know what, I'm no longer interested in joining your group!"

"Good. Don't let the door hit you, on the way out."

"Fine! But first, can I get a 12 pack of the M&M cookies, and a package of Plantation Bars?"

"Uh, yeah. that will be ten dollars."

DWC pulled out his wallet, and handed Grusnoid a ten dollar bill. Grusnoid handed the baked goods over, and put the bill in a lock box.

"Thanks." DWC said as he walked away.

"Was that necessary sir?"

"What? He was a Brad fan. I hate Brad fans. Besides, we have made our first ten dollars. Chill guy, don't be so wound up."

"My name isn't guy."

"Whatever Spider. Just chill."

_Meanwhile with DWC._

"Stupid asshole. Fucking Brad hating bastard. I can't believe I bought cookies, and bars from him. Though they are really, really good." DWC said as he ate one of the cookies.

"Pst! I heard you like Brad. I want to talk with you."

"And you are?"

"boss-slayer"

boss-slayer approached DWC, and stared telling his story.

_Meanwhile with the R.E. Characters._

Billy, Rebecca, Jack, Ada, and Hunk where sleeping in the back part of the van. Chris and Albert were in the middle of the van. Chris was reading an issue of Time magazine, and Albert had just recovered from being knocked out for a fourteenth time. Jill was sitting in the front seat giving directions to Leon. Albert got board, and started an all to dreaded series of questions.

"Are we there yet?"

"No Albert."Jill said annoyed.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"NO GODDAMN IT! NO!"

"Are we there yet?"

"CHRIS!"

Chris let out a sigh, as he put his issue of Time down, and slugged Albert.

"Can we at least get a blunt instrument to knock him out with at the next stop? I think I broke my hand, on his concrete slab of a skull."

"Fine. I don't see how Albert can portray such a convincing villain though."

"Well Jill, I guess it's just talent. When the spot light hits sertain people, they can portray anyone."

"So he's like Forest Gump? Leads a incredible, and unbelievable life. But is about as intelligent as a box of hammers?"

"I guess so Leon. Just keep a look out for a Wal-Mart, or any other store. I want to buy a baseball bat."

Leon kept driving, and looked out for a store.

_Meanwhile with the fangirls._

The fangils sat in a commercial airliner, and listened to the instructions.

"Welcome aboard commercial flight number 353. This is your captain speaking, and if you are in any class lower than first, you might want to listen to the instructions. You can one, burn in Hell. Two spend more money, you cheap assed mother fuckers. And three piss off with any requests of food, beverage, blankets, pillows, or restroom usage. If you are not in first class, you don't have rights. Unless you have a credit card or cash, you can piss any semblance of comfort away. I will be turning the seat belt sign on. If you have a seat belt this would be the time to buckle it. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your shitty flight."

"I am so glad you got us first class tickets Prisoner." rainfox said.

"Yeah. With a airline like this, I don't see how they stay in business."

"Well Resi, that's how all airlines are now days. Believe it or not, this is the number one airline, ranked in customer satisfaction."

"Jesus."

"You said it Weasil."

"So how long til we reach Germany?"

"About seven hours."

"So what do we do til then?" Aries asked.

"This is your captain again. Your in flight movie is Gran Torino, staring Clint Eastwood."

"Wow, that's supposed to be really good." rainfox said.

"Psyche! You dumb bastards actually fell for that? Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! This is an airline, we live to cause pain! No, your movie is Battlefield Earth, followed by Gigli, and concluded by Caddyshack 2."

The fangirls let out a unanimous. "NO!"

"Goddamn it! Well I guess I'll be catching up on sleep." Weasil said as she adjusted her seat.

"Same." All the other fangirls said as they adjusted their seats.

The faingirls closed their eyes, and drifted into sleep.

A/N: Soooo. I'm back. My evil counterpart kicked another Brad fan out, and ragged on him in the process. The R.E. characters continue to deal with Albert, and the fangirls are on the plane ride from hell. I would like to thank Weasilgirl, boss-slayer, rainfox, Epic Face, Ranger McFriendly, and Prisoner for reviewing. I would like to point out a few refs in the story. starting with the title, which is a ref to Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. The greatest movie ever! (No, but it is a really good film.) The shitty flight line. A line reference from the South Park Episode, It's Christmas in Canada. And when my counterpart says. Chill guy, don't be so wound up. Is a reference to Matt Stone's portrayal of Saddam Hussein. I won't spoil any others, but I'm sure you can find them. You all have the internet. Til the next chapter. Peace.


	12. Chapter 12 New Plans

Chapter 12. New Plans.

"How long where we on that airplane for? Ugh it feels like an eternity since we got on." Resi asked as she stretched.

"It has been. Since the Grusniod who actually writes this story, is a lazy bastard. We've only got a week to stop Afterlife." Prisoner said as she walked around.

"Were never going to stop it! The end is nigh! All hope is lost!"

Resi grabbed rainfox, and smacked her across the face. "Get a hold of yourself! Now is not the time to panic. We need to remain calm, and think."

"Fuck thinking! We need to act!" Weasil shouted.

"Weasil."

"Yes Resi."

"Don't contradict me. We have a week to stop a god awful movie. One that is probably worse than the ones on that flight. We need to stick to the plan, and maybe. Just maybe, we can succeed in stopping an abomination of man."

"Sorry Resi."

"It's okay. Rain, the map if you would be so kind."

rainfox handed the map to Resi.

"Hey!"

"What is it Aeris?"

"I haven't had any time in the spotlight! I feel like I'm not even that valued, as a member of this group."

"That is not true Aeris. You helped me out against Alice." Prisoner said

"Yeah, and I got punched so hard, I coughed up blood for a week. This just proves my point! Even the new girl has had more lines than me!"

"Aeris please. This is not the time to be jealous. We need you."

"For what? Resi you're the ringleader, Prisoner is the muscle, Weasil is the resident MacGyver, and even rainfox has a roll. She's the comic relief!"

"Am not!" rainfox said in protest.

"What do you want Aeris? We're all in this together. If that movie comes out, it will be another in a long line of disappointing films."

"I don't know Resi. I guess I need some time to think."

"Fine. I will let you go. We can't talk you out of this, so if you need some time, go ahead. Just know, that you will always have a home with us, and you can come back anytime."

"Thanks Resi. I'm sorry."

Aeris walked off in another direction. She waved goodbye to the group, as she went her separate way.

"Great! Resi, why did you let her walk off?"

"She obviously needs time to think Weasil. It's better than forcing her to stay. Lets go, we have a bomb to defuse."

**_Meanwhile with the fanboys._**

"Well I have some good news, and some bad news. Which do you guys want to hear first?" Grusnoid asked.

"The bad, that way the good will cheer me up!" Tom said in a burst.

"I don't care."

"Well the good news is we raised more than enough funds to stay afloat. Hell, I'm even thinking about adding a personal cinema to the fortress."

"And the bad news sir?"

"Whats that? Oh right the bad news. Thanks for reminding me Spider. The bad news is this brick, with a piece of paper tied to it, crashed through my window."

"Let me see that." Spider said as he took the note off the brick.

Spider read the note aloud. "Dear pesky plumbers. The koopalings and I, have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom. The princess is now a permanent guest, at one of my seven koopa hotels. I dare you to find her, if you can."

"That is bad news. We have to save the princess!" Tom shouted, as he ran to get supplies.

Grusnoid grabbed Tom's shirt collar, and stopped him in his tracks.

"Flip it over!" A voice from outside shouted.

"What was that?"

"I don't know sir, but maybe Tom is right. We have to save the princess."

"Turn the fucking note over!"

"Theirs that voice again. I don't know guys, how many princesses do we know?" Grusnoid asked.

"Oh for fuck sake!"

DWC crashed through the window, and grabbed the note.

"Turn the fucking note over! How fucking hard is this? And to think I wanted to join you morons! UGH!" DWC shouted, as he thrust the note into Spider's face, and stormed out.

"That was new." Grusnoid said as he stood in shock.

"Well I guess I better read the note. Ahem. This is a formal decoration of war. Since you have spited our hero, we shall tear your world asunder. You will rue the day, that you mocked Brad Vickers. Sincerely The Void."

"Huh. Well I guess where at war. Spider get the guns. Tom get the spells. I'm going to get ready"

Grusnoid walked up to a case. The case said. In case of fan war, break glass. Grusnoid shattered the case, and grabbed the three things fanboys fear most. Yaoi, The Twilight series, and Jack Thompson.

"Jesus man! Did you really have to break out Jack Thompson? I mean that's like bringing a nuke to a paint ball war. A little overkill, don't you think?" Spider asked as he looked on in fear.

"Sorry, but desperate times."

"I'll have you all know, that all video games, and anything fun will be removed from society soon. I plan to make a safer America for all youth groups, and..."

"Can it Jack. Save it for our conflict."

"What conflict? I will have you know that any fighting, is strictly prohibited in my presence."

"Don't you know Jack? We started a comity. Yeah. Where against all the things you are Jack. You know as well as I, that we have to purge society of anything fun."

"That is correct."

"Well Jack, we want you to deliver a message to our enemies. You see they live over in that other fortress across the way. They stand for everything you're against Jack. That we are against. Won't you please enlighten them? Think of all the precious minds you will save from corruption."

"Okay, do I need anything?"

"Just this package that I prepared for them. Hand it to those unwashed barbarians Jack. Make sure they read, and look at everything it this parcel." Grusnoid said, as he handed Jack Thompson a large wood crate.

"I will, I'm off!" Jack said as he left with the Yaoi, and Twilight books.

"You are one sadistic bastard sir."

"Well Spider, I leaned to go for the kill shot early. This should take care of our Void problem. What's on the internet?" Grusnoid asked as he walked toward the computer.

**_Meanwhile with the R.E characters._**

"Well we finally made it! Japan!" Jill said with glee.

"Wait. Weren't we in a van just a chapter ago?"

Chris smacked Albert over the head with a baseball bat.

"What was that for?"

"I don't know, the writer made me do it."

"Can we move on please? I want to get this over with." Ada said in an annoyed tone.

"Okay, let me get a map." Jill said as she walked over to a store.

**_Five minutes latter._**

"Well, what happened? Where's the map?" Rebecca asked.

"Well. I got the map, but it's in Japanese. I couldn't find an English map either."

"Great. Where stuck in a foreign country, with a Japanese map, and no way of translating it!"

"Leon. you want to take it down a notch. Were all right here, we can hear you."

"Sorry Chris, everyone."

"What about Ada?" Albert asked.

"What about me?"

"Aren't you Japanese?"

"I'm of Chinese decent you jackass!"

"What's the difference?"

"GURAH! Give me that bat!"

Ada grabbed the bat out of Chris' hand, and swung full force at Albert's head. The bat shattered on contact, and knocked Albert out cold. Ada threw the remains of the bat on the ground.

The group split up, and started searching for a translator.

A/N: I think this chapter, isn't as strong as the last one. It has it's moments, but I think it's weaker. Oh well, I can't always hit a home run. If I'm not mistaken. I think Japanese, and Chinese hate it when you call one the other. So theirs an explanation of why Ada hit Albert. As for Aeris, she's still in the story. I have an idea of what I want to have her do. So Aeris if you're reading, don't worry. I would like to thank TinySprite, DWC, boss-slayer, USWeasilgirl, Prisoner, and rainfox for their reviews. You guys rock. Til next time, peace.

P.S. I am really lazy, so that's why I didn't write this sooner. So pretend the horrible movie hasn't come out yet. Also, from the reviews I heard, it's the same old song and dance. So yeah, if you have seen the past three, you're not missing a fucking thing. Also, I hear they are going to reboot this series, by carbon copying the first R.E. movie. Fail Hollywood! Fail! Oh almost forgot. The pesky plumbers thing is from Hotel Mario. A terrible video game, on the equally horrid Philips CDI. You probably have seen footage from it, in Youtube Poops. If not, watch all the cut scenes from the game. It's worth it's weight in comedic gold. Also in that game Princess Peach, is voiced by a man. I am dead serious.


	13. Update

**Update.**

Folks I have some news not everyone will want to hear. Resident Roach Code Metallica has informed me, of her wishes to no longer be involved in the Failcenaries. So the next chapter, will be her final appearance in my story. I just want to take the time to thank Bree for her participation, and for everything she did for me. I hold no ill will toward her, and I suggest no one else does. Bree is old enough to make her own decisions, and I am not going to try and convince her to stay. It will only end poorly, and I think she feels better this way. So thank you Bree for everything you have done. This story will be a sadder one without you, but I respect your decision to leave. This is still not the end of the Failcenaries, but a huge void will be left, in the wake of Bree's absence. That is all, and thank you everyone who has reviewed so far. It means a lot to me. Til we meet again folks. This is Grusnoid, signing off. Peace.


End file.
